Gaz in Glasgow

Kung Hei Fat Choy

2012-01-23T16:13:00.003Z

Nice bit of Glaswegian national stereotyping on Sauchiehall Street today to welcome in the Year of the Dragon!

Highlights 2011 and all that

2011-12-21T14:30:00.003Z

Skied in Courchevel, still crap at it, still trying to conquer irrational fear of being up a mountain, still would love to love it but the banter and company of great friends is always excellent.

Algarve to Lisbon for football, "game on Wednesday night why are you back on Saturday?" long suffering and gorgeous wife rightly asked without expecting a coherent answer.

Rangers winning the league and the first seven minutes at Rugby Park, Kilmarnock in May, will undoubtedly live with me.

Les Londes les Maures, France with family and relations from Sydney, wine cellar was amazing ;)!

Barcelona and Valencia summer holiday two, fantastic, I can still feel the heat and picture the light during another damp winter.

Rugby World Cup, enjoyed sharing it with my son, his insight (and ability) far greater than mine and it's a joy to watch him enthuse.

Guitar lessons, don't laugh always fancied myself as a guitar player. Have a fantastic teacher who is teaching me to finger pick with the best of them. Now completely addicted but daughter refuses to let me play in the vicinity of anyone we know so Christmas round my guitar a definite no no!

My youngest, as regular readers of this crap will know, has Downs Syndrome. The local council has just spent £10 million on completing his new school. I had a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat as we were shown around. What a difference this will make to many kids who have been dealt a rougher hand than you or I could ever imagine. He really is my pride and joy, an annoying wee shit at times, but still my pride and joy.

My daughter in general now a teenager and it is all true what they say about Fathers and their Daughters. I just can't deny that if she asks for a white mini when she's 17, she may very well get it. Another joy in my life.

My wife, I am not the easiest person to live with, impulsive, an out an out worrier, and one who bottles things up. Thankfully she gets inside my head and sorts me out, God knows where I'd be without her.

Have a great Christmas and bring on 2012.

Hurricane Bawbag hits Glasgow

2011-12-09T11:07:00.000Z

Edinburgh trumped by Glasgow as China accepts gift

2011-12-08T11:59:00.005Z

Edinburgh Zoo proudly accepted a breeding pair of Pandas this week from the Chinese government.

Not to be outdone Glasgow arranged for Beijing Zoo to breed a Glaswegian couple.

Beijing zoo has accepted a pair of sexually active Glaswegians in an exchange deal for two pandas, according to reports. Jimmy and Shirley McDonald, both 34, arrived on a Ryan Air flight yesterday morning and were given a bagpipe greeting before being locked up in separate cages with some drugs and a Best of the Krankies DVD.

Mr McDonald, a spot-welder by trade, has already been dubbed Chang Chang by zoo authorities which translates as dont stare at him directly, while wife Shirley is Xiaow Xiaow meaning stay the fuck away from me. Capt Paul Cassel, the chief Ryan Air pilot, said the pair were among the most boisterous cargo he had flown.

The separate cages are designed to mimic behaviour in the wild where the male is rarely present and to prevent the pair fighting which has happened with previous attempts to mate Glaswegians in captivity. A small hatch between the cages opens for a few minutes every hour to allow the pair to have rough sex with expletives.

Mr McDonald appeared subdued after the 10-hour flight to Beijing and told reporters he was looking forward to a pish and a chinkie.

The McDonalds annual food bill is estimated at £500, and although their diet consists mostly of deep fried Mars Bars, they will also eat kebabs, chips with curry sauce and chips with cheese. Buckfast is the drink of choice but Midouri 20/20 is also popular amongst breeding Glaswegians.

The zoo will also have to pay around £50,000 a year in housing benefit to the couple, who are expected to boost visitor numbers by 70 per cent.

Their keepers hope they will not only find the cold climate to their liking, but will become the first Glaswegians to breed in China, since a pair of Partick Thistle fans were arrested in a public toilet off Tianamen Square in 1991.

Trying to do a banking deal.

2011-11-07T15:27:00.000Z

Eminently sensible business deal proposed to a bank over the last two months, no brainer, low risk stuff. Take advantage of our local market knowledge, make a nice return for investors and a nice return for the bank. Basically buying business at 42% less than share value.

"Yes you can have funding for your project" replied Mr Banker, "however we'll give you 83% of the money you want."

Jesus what use is that to anybody, why make us jump through hoops when presumably you could have told us that in the first place.

My tale is based on a business that is liquid with no borrowings, what chance does anybody else have. Regardless of the spin the Government and Banks are putting on it, they ain't lending nearly enough money and it can't all be down to Greece.

Marriage proposal on the 19.57 from Euston

2011-11-07T13:59:00.000Z

Would you have said yes?

Spotted on the window of an Indian restauarant in Glasgow

2011-11-04T09:13:00.002Z

Kind of struck a chord, very true if you think about it.

Teach me how to Dougie

2011-10-31T13:29:00.001Z

Two of my kids are now teenagers, not grumpy or unpleasant in the least, but good fun and finding their way in the world with a lot more maturity than I did when I was their age.

I love the fact we can now talk about many "grown up" subjects and they get adult jokes etc but I love when they forget they are teenagers and resort back to being little kids.

Yesterday was a case in point. All day long they kept singing the chorus of a song "Teach me how to Dougie". "Oh its a dance" they said. Egged on by my wife and I all day they eventually resorted back to being about ten and eight and did the "Dougie" for us.

Slyly fimed on my phone, I have fantastic bribery material should I want a cup of coffee or the bins taken out. The said film was then whisked off by email to our friends in Hong Kong to chuckle about over breakfast, fame in Asia.

Anyway here it is "Teach me how to Dougie", not featuring my kids, I'm not that much of a fanny.

It's official we're shite at decent sports.

2011-10-13T15:14:00.002+01:00

Scotland quite good at snooker, motor racing, darts and homeless football, we are infact the world champions of homeless football, quite an achievement for a supposedly civilised western country. Basically shite sports are the domain of the Scot.

Give a Scot a football or a rugby ball and it all goes tits up. I am normally eternally optimistic about our chances in any decent sport but I have officially waned.

It was not always so, I grew up in the era of famous Scots (at decent sports) like Andy Irvine, Denis Law, Kenny Dalglish, Finlay Calder, Graeme Souness all men with an arrogant wee Scottish swagger that said fuck you, I know I'm good at what I do.

We were beaten by Argenfuckingtina at the Rugby World Cup, failed to qualify for another major football championship and perhaps most embarassing of all, pumped again at the Rugby World Cup by an easily pumpable English rugby side who were pumped by the Surrender Monkeys in the next round.

It is embarrasing, none of my children have lived long enough to have their dreams dashed at a major footbal championship by that mighty footballing nation Morocco. None of my children have lived long enough to see Scotland win the rugby Six nations, never mind the Grand Slam.

I now find myself in the grip of You Tube nostalgia of Jim Baxter sitting on the ball during a match against the then World Champions England or Archie Gemmil's goal against Holland during the 1978 World Cup.

Renton was right it's Shite being Scottish!

Nigella Talks Dirty

2011-10-05T11:03:00.001+01:00

Guaranteed to satisfy any male Nigella fantasist.

Middle age

2011-09-15T11:32:00.003+01:00

Bloody hell, September 2010, 16 stone 6 lbs, September 2011, 17st 10lbs, fuck me!

6 weeks nutter training required will report back then.

A goosebumps song

2011-09-09T11:13:00.003+01:00

Kate Rusby, a beautiful girl with a beautiful voice. You will get goosebumps listening to this fantastic singer.

Thanks to Mister Bijou of http://misterbijou.blogspot.com/ for intruducing me to her via his blog.

Some people hate the English, I don't. They're just wankers.

2011-09-05T12:16:00.006+01:00

The Scotland Rugby squad left Glasgow airport for the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand last week.

The whole squad was suited and booted and milling about the departure lounge for their flight

Chris Patterson, Scotland's most capped player (105 caps and still going strong) and the 12th most capped player ever in the world, is standing minding his own business.

He is approached by an elderly lady in her 70's "Son, she says, you're all awfully smart for a stag weekend, your suit will get ruined!"

If by any sort of a miracle Scotland get passed the quarter finals, and then with divine intervention reach the semis and then with the help of the second coming they reach the Final and then holy fuck they win it, I think the old lady may recognise Chris Patterson.

Come on Scotland and lets hope we can even change Renton from Trainspotting's mind.

"It's SHITE being Scottish! We're the lowest of the low, the scum of the fucking earth, the most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization.

Some people hate the English, I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. We can't even find a decent culture to be colonized by.

We are ruled by effete arseholes. It's a shite state of affairs to be in, Tommy! And all the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference"

What a piece of dialogue!

A notice in a window that moved me.

2011-08-30T11:23:00.006+01:00

I used to have a grocery business, a proper grown up business with over 200 employees, many lorries and a big fuck off warehouse.

This business was started by my Great, Great, Great, Great, Grandfather in 1878, yes 1878, I am the fifth generation.

Over the years we saw the writing on the wall as profitability became stretched and we started investing in commercial property. This became far more profitable than the grocery business, so we sold that and I still run the property company with the original name of our business. I have to say I am one of the lucky ones.

Have a think back to the high street of your town, the individuals and characters who ran the baker, butcher and fruiterer, what happened to them when the Supermarket moved in, infact what happened to your high street when the Supermarket moved in? What happened to the quality of your life when the Supermarket moved in?

I used to buy the fruit for my business in person, so I got to know many of the one man band shop owners who's businesses, like mine, were affected by the openings of Supermarkets and many had nothing to fall back on.

One such man was a chap called Bert Ralston. He had a fruit shop in the southside of Glasgow, when it first opened he would work from Monday to Saturday, day off on Sunday as every shop closed on a Sunday and possibly a half day off on Tuesday afternoon. Working bloody hard getting to the market for 5am, buy his fruit then off to his shop to replenish his stock and trade until 5.30pm. By my reckoning thats a 12 and a half hour day almost every day.

As the supermarkets began to take hold, Bert had to then start trading 7 days a week, the only respite being that the market was closed on a Sunday, so he would get a lie in, but if you're used to getting up at 5am most mornings you know he isn't having a lie in.

Bert never grumbled but he could see his business declining before his eyes, his shop smart and well painted became less so as he no doubt struggled to make ends meet.

Bert died on the 11th July 2010, his business is closed, not passed on to his children and that is very, very sad.

Yes I use Supermarkets now like everyone else but I can't help thinking that if our high streets were as vibrant as they were in the past, we would have a more content society without the suspicion and unfriendliness you sometimes encounter from neighbours. We would have bumped into each other at the shops on occasion and relationships started, now we go to the Supermarket, scurry home quickly shut our doors and half the time meet absolutely no one.

One final thing about Bert, when he died, his family attached the note below to his door, moving I think you'll agree and one that led me to write this.

Every cloud

2011-08-26T10:03:00.002+01:00

Now I've got that out my system, with all the cash I'm going to save on various European trips to unheard of places watchig football, where should I go?

Hong Kong in March 2012 for the Hong Kong 7's or in April 2012 to Santiago in Chile for a friend's 40th birthday boys weekend, choices, choices!

The highs and lows of following football

2011-08-26T09:48:00.008+01:00

The 15th May 2011, Rangers won their World Record 54th League Championship, an absolute high.

25th August 2011, pumped out of two European competitions, an absolute low.

For every Rangers fan as depressed as I am today it is worth remembering, for every high there's a low, every disappointment a moment of sheer joy.

We've been through much worse periods than the current one and what didn't kill us made us stronger.

Easy to stand strong when the champagne is flowing,the real measure of the man is to be found in times of adversity. Success, results, players, managers, owners come and go. Being a Rangers fan is for life, we are the one constant in the clubs existence, it's lifeblood and its living breathing heartbeat from the cradle to the grave.

Win lose or draw I am a Rangers fan, was born one, live as one and fully intend to die as one.

In between it's an honour and a privilege to be part of the greatest and most unique footballing institution in the world and that is why "We are the people"

It is also worth remembering, Rangers fans are born, not manufactured, we do not choose, we are chosen, those who understand, need no explanation, those who don't, do not matter.

Summers over

2011-08-22T09:51:00.005+01:00

Kids go back to school on Wednesday. My daughter commented it was the best summer she can remember, she obviously wasn't referring to the weather, but at 13 years old, summers were always pretty good.

I think my teenage summers were spent sitting on a wall at a tennis club, working out how to get enough money to buy 10 Benson and Hedges with my pals. Alternatively, going on holiday with my family and convincing myself that I was missing out on so much at home, teenage angst at its worst. However I mostly remember long hot summers playing football in the park and swimming in the pond at the park. This practice stopped rapidly when one day we saw one of the park workers having a sneaky pee from the edge of the water.

We holidayed firstly in France in a place called Les Londes Les Maures. We went with relatives from Australia and the house we were staying in was something else. Views to die for, lovely infinity pool but a ten minute drive from civilisation.

Not a problem normally but at 10.15 at night when someone's cocked up the red wine order, it becomes an issue. Luckily there was a bunch of keys hanging in the kitchen for which there was no apparent use. Silly us, the keys were for a fantastically well stocked wine cellar and cue three adults trying to evaluate which was the cheapest bottle we could "borrow" to get us through the night.

The beach near the house was pretty good as well.

A tour of Spain was then in order staring off in Barcelona, which is a city very hard not to like. Our hotel was near the beach, weather was fab and we dipped in and out of the city on various cultural adventures.

However I have to say Valencia has to be a completely untapped holiday destination for many. Pretty difficult to get to from the UK but well worth it. One of the best beaches you will ever see, paellas restaurants all along the beaches and the Las Arenas hotel who don't seem to know what they've got and how to charge for it.

One serious point about Spain though, their economy is just about as crippled as Ireland's. I'm no economic expert but every means of transport is new. Massive new airports, new train stations with new lines, new trains and fantastic new motorways that are all over the place. Did no one in Spain stop and ask themselves how the hell are we going to pay for this? Thought not.

Open arms for broken hearts

2011-06-09T14:37:00.003+01:00

Sometimes this sentimental old fool hears a song on the radio that absolutely resonates with him.

Such is the song Open Arms by Elbow, the lyrics just echo my relationship with my mother over the years and her willingness to listen when it all goes tits up as it so often does for many people throughout their life. That ability of your parents no matter how old you are to make you feel like that small child is quite remarkable.

This role is now taken by the lovely Mrs Gaz but it does still resonate and I can see myself helping my children in the same way.

"We got open arms for broken hearts
Like yours my boy, come home again

Tables are for pounding here
And when we've got you surrounded
The man you are will know the boy you were"

WTF has happened to 2011

2011-06-03T09:38:00.005+01:00

Well it is true what they say as you get older time does really fly. It doesn't seem four months since I last updated this tome, hey ho.

Heading into the summer months with a spring in my step and the depression of another Scottish winter far behind me. Sitting with the window open sun streaming through it as I type really is food for the soul and make you forget just how abysmal you feel during the winter months. Scotland is a fantastic place to live for so many reasons but Jesus the winter ain't one of them.

As always for your correspondent a lot has happened since we last corresponded.
A fantastic trip to Portugal in February with the boys for football watching purposes. Great weather, great food and wine, funny conversations and a last minute goal to win the tie made for a memorable few days. Friends really do make memories and trips like these are absolutely priceless.

Work wise trying desparately to embark on a new venture with a German partner however I fear massive capital expenditure and little return after the numbers are completely worked out may yet put this one in the bin.

The elections in Scotland marked the beginning of the end of the UK, I do hope I am wrong. A protest vote against the Labour party by the numpties that are the Scottish electorate gave the tits at the SNP an overall majority. It is amazing to think that in less than 30 years they have gone from being a bit of a joke to running a frigging country. People may regret voting SNP as it is very much a case of shutting the door after the horse has bolted.

Summer will see me in France and Spain with a body like a Greek god. Started a four week boot camp, end of week one today, eat sensibly and exercise outside with 12 other 40 somethings for one hour 4 times a week. I have to say I am absolutely fucked!

Summer resolution blog more often, I quite enjoyed that.

Hello Hello, I'm back for 2011

2011-02-03T14:16:00.005Z

What happened to December and January you may ask?

Well I've discovered twitter, more football breaking news than you can shake a stick at. Essential for a football nut like me when it comes to the end of the January transfer window and its live on Sky from 6pm top quality programming presented by the genius that is Jim Whyte. On twitter you found out who was going where before Sky did, fricking fantastic. It has prevented me from finding the time to update, I know you're devastated.

November/December saw an eventful trip to Hong Kong, still my favourite city in the world and Seoul in South Korea, definitely not my favourite city in the world, can't quite put my finger on why it didn't excite me, its all a bit sterile I think. Great to catch up with old friends and meet new ones and finally meet people you've heard a lot about but never met. The Mandarin Oriental excelled itself as always and a chilli based meal in Lan Kwai Fong stayed with me long after the party was over. I have never eaten something that seemed to paralyse your lips, but this food did. Mind you a fantastic steak with charming company was also worthwhile.

A bit of a strange moment in Hong Kong though. After buying tat at the Ladies Market for my designer label obsessed 11 year old, I took the scenic Star Ferry back to Central. On the boat I spied a cruise ship, I looked at it and thought to myself, I bet my Dad is on that. I do not have a close relationship with my Father but I knew he was cruising but didn't know where. I took a picture of the ship on my phone and that was that.
When I got home I found out he was on that boat, both 6000 miles away from home and no idea the other was there, I guess I found that kind of sad.

Christmas was brilliant in our new house, excited kids, excited Mrs Gaz and excited Gaz. Sister in Law and Brother in Law for dinner, great fun and all the kids were in top form.

Other news the wee rugby team I help coach only went and won the League, bloody brilliant. It makes all those nights breaking ice on the pitch to make it suitable to practice on and freezing your bollocks off worth while. If any of them go on to play for Scotland the wee shits better give me a ticket.

So what to expect in 2011?

Dirty weekend away with Mrs Gaz
Trip to Portugal to watch the mighty Rangers play
Boys skiing trip to Courchevel
50 fucking % income tax
Royal Wedding shite
Andy Murray getting gubbed at Wimbledon
Scotland to be pish at rugby

As I write this its Chinese New Year so it seems appropriate as it s the first post of 2011 to wish you all Kung Hei Fat Choy.

Bugs in the Bathroom

2010-11-04T10:46:00.003Z

The Westin Valencia bugs in the bathroom free of charge.

A five star hotel? Not on your life especially when you share your shower with these little fuckers, there were millions of them, oh and the service was shite as well.

Winter in Glasgow, midweek football, October Holiday

2010-10-01T12:13:00.007+01:00

Sitting in Glasgow on a dreich grey day really is the pits. Naturally your thoughts turn to another West of Scotland winter of rain, occasional high winds, rain and more rain. Last year we had the novelty of serious snow but yes you guessed it quickly replaced by more rain. Global warming can't come quick enough in my book and am doing my bit with a two 4x4 car household and a wife who wants to put the heating on in July.

Anyway is winter that bad in Caledonia, yes we have about four hours of daylight, but there are many other normally family driven positives.

The kids rugby and hockey seasons are underway and whether watching them play for their school or club you cant help getting wrapped up in it all standing on the touchline. If one of them scores a try or goal, you feel ten feet tall even though its is fuck all to do with you and you have to stop yourself running onto the pitch to join in their celebrations. I would actually just once love to do that can you imagine their embarrassment.

Occasionally we get a crisp winter day and there is no better feeling than wrapping up in the appropriate clothing and going for a walk with the dogs. The dogs are grateful because you've taken them, actually mine are grateful whenever they see me, which is actually the point of owning a dog, and my wife is grateful because she doesn't have to do it and can catch up on an episode of America/Australia/Britain's next top model.

Midweek football is also a reason for loving winter. The walk to Ibrox with the floodlights in the distance calling you to worship. The darkness of the corridor leading up to your seat and the the blinding and vibrant colour of the arena and gladiators preparing to do battle. Even more special is a Champions League night when the cream of European football come to do battle. The atmosphere is second to none and the nerves kick in at about 5pm, time to grow up I think. Occasionally in the Champions League we win but mostly we lose appalingly, so I turn up in hope rather than expectation. We actually won last Wednesday and sit proudly on top of our group after two games level on points with Manchester United, you just know its all going to go tits up from here on in!

For some strange reason we have an annual weeks holiday in October. Rather uncharacteristically my wife and I made a decidedly great decision to buy a seasonal ownership (time share in everyone elses words) at a rather fabulous hotel in Auchterarder in Perth. This has to be our favourite holiday, bliss from start to finish. Lazy mornings, great food, bike rides, bit of golf (even though I hate golf!), spectacular scenery and absolutely brilliant accommodation with all mod cons. At the time we bought it, it was expensive but with hindsight we should have bought another week as well, c'est la vie.

With all these positives I must remember to keep cheery throughout our winter but honestly when the rain starts dripping down your neck as you nip out for a sandwich for lunch well..

My grey chest hair epidemic and what women wear to the beach.

2010-09-01T14:33:00.006+01:00

Well its the first of September and nothing changes, except my grey chest hair, which was once a novelty, is fast becoming an epidemic.

You dont really notice these things when you are quickly getting changed (as it's so fecking cold half the time en Ecosse) but navel gazing on a sun lounger gives you plenty time to contemplate chest hair.

Other important things as well like "how on earth did she squeeze those into that", "I wonder if she's ever had a threesome" and other male orientated nonsense brought on by the fact that your brain has shut down due to the arrival of your summer holiday constantly occupies your brain as does the worrying feeling that you were snoring or dribbling whilst you were cat napping.

I actually have a complete aversion to the sun and all that sunbathing nonsense but I do like being suntanned. Thankfully sitting under a vast umbrella the suns rays still seem to get to my adonis like frame.

But my overall conclusion from my extensive research into what women wear to the beach/pool on summer holiday is:-

Brits big granny knicker bottoms and boulder holders.

Portugeuse skimpy bottoms and skimpy tops.

Spanish nothing on top and skimpy bottoms.

Germans change about every half an hour into a bewildering array of outfits and states of dress and undress.

Nudists normally gay men or overbaring husbands with a wife trailing behind them using their sunglasses case to cover their lady garden.

This research kept me amused for 16 days and I really am looking forward to continuing my research next year.

What Scotland thinks of the World Cup

2010-06-16T10:46:00.005+01:00

Scotland's view of the World Cup summed up in one photo.

Click the picture for a better view.

Glasgow State of Mind

2010-06-01T12:07:00.003+01:00

Living in a city like Glasgow breeds a population that has a sense of humour with an ability to laugh at themselves and the city they live in with all its trials and tribulations.

Being the case in point.

The madness of Cherie Blair

2010-05-20T12:09:00.003+01:00

On trawling the internet last night I came across an article directing me to a foundation that Cherie Blair, wife of Phony Tony, had set up the Cherie Blair foundation for Women.

www.cherieblairfoundation.org

Well done her I thought, considering Tony and her have an estimated £45 million between them, a great idea to give something back to the disadvantaged in the UK. On closer inspection of the site Cherie is looking to help women in the Middle East, East Africa and South Asia. Style over substance was her husband's mantra during his reign as Prime Minister and Cherie looks as though she is carrying on the family tradition.

Obviously the North East of England, the East End of Glasgow or even her birthplace on Merseyside just aren't sexy enough for Cherie. God forbid that her charity work wasn't lauded by the international press and didn't keep her name at the forefront of the international media.

I do struggle to understand why people like Cherie fail constantly to give back to the country that made her and her husband so incredibly rich.

2010 A good year so far

2010-05-14T13:41:00.010+01:00

So we got the Conservative government I craved, well sprinkled with a healthy dose of sandal wearing Lib Dems. Ok so nobody in Scotland voted for it and now they're all up in arms. Considering we had an unelected PM in Gordon Brown for about 3 years, why are they getting so uptight?

What concerns me most however is the nature of Scottish society. We have a friend big detached house in Pollokshields, a leafy suburb of Glasgow, two 4x4's in the garage, holidays abroad and kids at private school. Who did they vote for? Labour of course!! Turkeys voting for Christmas, the very party that wants to end the charitable status of your kid's school and will make it completely unaffordable for you to send them to it. The Labour government has been incompetent over the last 13 years and educated people still vote for them, basically Scotland said carry on Gordon Brown you are a genius!! I think I live in a parallel universe to my fellow country men.

The other benefit of our new PM is Samantha Cameron. She is a very good looking lady and far better looking than Mrs Brown or the God awful Mrs Blair, certainly my attention pricks up whenever she is on the news. She also sports a rather nice wee tattoo on her foot, subtle but sexy!

Buying and selling a house is one of the most stressful things you do or so they say. Well let me assure you it absolutely is. I do not suffer from sleepless nights but Jesus I've had a few over the last month or so. Thankfully now missives are all concluded and we can look forward to our moving day. Now just the stress of paying for the bloody thing.

It would be remiss of me not to mention my beloved Rangers FC and congratulate them on winning the league title for the 53rd time. A remarkable achievement considering the perilous financial state we are in. No new players for 18 months and we didn't just win it we walked it!

This season does end with a touch of sadness for me. The player who gave me my greatest moment as a Rangers supporter is leaving as he wants regular first team football, Nacho Novo. Statistics will show he was not the most prolific striker we have ever had (46 goals in 178 games) but by God that penalty he scored in beautiful Florence and the feeling it gave me will live with me until the day I die.

I had the pleasure of meeting Nacho the day before the game in the airport in Florence. I said to him win the match for all the people who can't be here to see it, like my Grandfather who died way back in 1973. He looked embarrassed, as I would if I had been in his position, and said I will try. I walked away thinking I am a fanny sometimes!

But, in the airport after the match he spotted me and took the trouble to come over to me and say was that alright! I was beaming like a big child and mumbled thank you and then started blubbering with joy again!

Ignacio Javier Gómez Novo I salute you and thanks for that memory.

The Papal visit to the UK it really should be stopped.

2010-04-30T12:27:00.001+01:00

Club Med La Plagne, France

2010-04-12T13:37:00.003+01:00

A great week's skiing but my lasting memory will be my son dancing to Pingo (le pingouin judoka) at the show for the kids every night.

Those crazy French adults and kids alike took part in their equivalent of the Birdie dance, whilst no clip of La Plagne some nutters doing it in Club Med Mallorca!

The best music video that I bet you've never seen

2010-03-25T11:56:00.001Z

By Franco-American band hold your horses and quite brilliant!

What do you think?

Scottish Higher Grade Mathematics Paper 2010

2010-02-11T15:00:00.001Z

DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2010

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

GLASGOW REGION

Name...............
Nickname..............
Gangname............

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?
EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?

EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

Name..............
Rugby Club............
Daddy's Company.........

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?

HIGHLANDS REGION

Name............
Glen............

1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter shagged every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

5. Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge-Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

I don't want to see any Jackie Chan bollocks.

2010-01-25T14:34:00.003Z

Jesus I think I've killed him - Bill McLaren RIP

2010-01-19T15:10:00.006Z

One day he's enjoying his 86th year then some twat from Glasgow highlights you on his blog and you die, sorry Bill you were a voice of my youth.

Lion Rampants and St Andrew's flags draped on the sofas in our TV room. Scottish tea towels hung on garden canes to wave during the match and a healthy Scottish lunch of square sausage rolls and Irn Bru as a pre match meal.

"Good afternoon and welcome to Murrayfield, Twickenham, Parc de Princes, Cardiff Arms Park or Landsdowne Road" and he took us away from our living rooms onto the pitch playing just outside John Rutherford or Jim Renwick a fleet footed 11 year old late call up from Glasgow.

Bill McLaren an absolute Rugby icon.

I hope it works again, Gordon Brown.......

Bill McLaren lets his true feelings slip

2010-01-14T12:10:00.004Z

Stanger scores for Scotland and Bill McLaren the doyen of rugby commentators makes a wee mistake!

8 things that will make 2010 the best year ever.

2010-01-13T14:00:00.006Z

1 A Conservative Government

2 A crack down on militant Muslims or people of any religious persuasion that decide to be extremist and live in the UK, if you don't like it and don't want to assimilate in any way shape or form piss off, and take your welfare state hand outs with you. (Jesus I sound like Richard Littlejohn from the Sun, but enough really is enough)

3 The abolition of the Health and Safety Executive, (I probably should have filled out a risk assessment before blogging). It costs British industry thousands and in reality saves how many lives? Certainly not as many as it employs on a yearly basis.

4 More scepticism of Global Warming. Sorry I really couldn't give a fuck. I will be long gone before it dries out Scotland and presents me the dilemna of what type of outdoor pool to buy for the back garden.

5 Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon, one used to work for the Royal Bank of Scotland and the other is a solicitor who failed at the highest level, and cretins want them to run Scotland - fuck off!

6 Make airline travel considerably cheaper, its not funny trying to book a decent summer holiday when your 13 and 12 year old, at time of travel as they say, are classed as adults. So the price for 4 adults and a child please....you have to be joking that is economy?

7 England winning the World Cup on a few conditions, they are not allowed to bang on about it for the next 44 years and they beat either the Germans or the Argies in the final. John Motson is not the commentator on the BBC and they do not have a World Cup single unless of course it's sung by Chas and Dave!

8 England winning the Ashes no strings attached at all, fecking hate the Aussies!

2010-01-06T10:07:00.005Z

2010 and what will it hold for Gaz, his family and friends.

Definitely another year older but still feeling as though I am 21, certainly the usual plan to spend as much time as possible away from Blighty (only two trips booked so far, must be slacking) also 365 days of going into work knowing there isn't enough work to go around and either patting ourselves on the back for having such a well organised business or worrying about how boring it is, sadly probably the latter!

A Uni course appeals, but what course appeals to me, I haven't a clue. They don't offer degrees in watching sport and shagging!

It would be remiss of me not to mention Kris Boyd who has become the all time top goal scorer in the Scottish Premier League. I have never been a big fan of Boyd as a player or a person but his celebration when he got the all important goal waz top class and took the complete piss out of the man who held it before Henrik Larsson.

In case you were wondering Larsson's the ugly bastard with the dreadlocks and in the green and grey hoops. Boyd is the one looking majestic in Rangers blue!

2010 will also be the year of the General Election and I think could also be the year that leads to Scottish independence, which unsurprisingly I am dead against. The Tories even with a landslide victory are unlikely to in even one seat in Scotland, and this is mannah to the Nationalist cause. I am surrounded by the loony left up here who hate the Tories with a passion and the Nats could easily spark a constitutional crisis by just refusing to carry out anything the Tories want them to do. A crunch time for Scotland.

Great jouneys by sea, Highlights of 2009

2009-12-21T13:05:00.007Z

Regular readers of this extravagance will know about my love of Hong Kong and all things associated with the Fragrant Harbour. When asked what to do as a visitor to Hong Kong one of the musts is a trip to Lamma Island on the Aberdeen Harbour to Lamma Ferry. So I was delighted to find this wee video on youtube, it gives you a wee taste of HK as a working harbour and is just a cracking wee find.

In no particular order my highlights of 2009 include:

Family skiing holiday in Morzine
Month long tour of the east coast tour of the States
My children's school reports
Rangers winning the league at Tannadice
Seeing ACDC in concert
Boys trip to the Somme
Segway tour of Paris
The Labour party floundering in the polls
Getting the new puppy
The Lions tour of South Africa
England winning the Ashes

Christmas shopping what a load of bollocks!

2009-12-01T16:12:00.004Z

Piss easy.

Do it on line get it delivered to your office or house, make sure you do not buy anything that needs assembled, put your feet up on Christmas Eve wait until kids go to bed and lay it out, hey presto! Ho, ho ho!

If you have kids, nephews, nieces etc that are believers make sure you visit this site

www.portablenorthpole.tv/home

My kids couldn't believe it!!

Paris is fabulous but watch out for the merde!

2009-11-30T12:39:00.002Z

Greater men than me have waxed lyrical about Paris and all its charms. I had the occasion to spend a couple of nights there and have to say it really was fantastic.

I would thoroughly recommend two restaurants we ate in Joel Robouchon and in particular Michel Rostang. They really couldn't do enough to make sure our meal was brilliant and I have to say was some of the best food I have ever eaten.

One word of warning, the French let their dogs crap anywhere, and you are more than likely to step into some dog poo at some point, even worse though I wheeled my suitcase through some didn't notice and thought the person behind me at check in smelt of shit! C'est la vie!

2009-11-30T12:10:00.005Z

"So we shall see you
Be it peace or war
Still in all adventures
You go before.
And our children dreaming
Shall see your bayonet's gleaming
Scotland's warriors streaming
forward for evermore"

I travelled to the Somme with a good friend of mine to learn more about and see for myself the terrain behind the battle of the Somme.

It is worth remembering, if you didn't already know, that the battle lasted from July 1st until November 16th, 1916 and on the first day's battle alone, the British army sustained 60,000 casulaties (20,000 dead) on the first day of the attack. By the time the battle, which had quite simply become a war of attrition, ended there were approaximately 1.2 million, yes that is correct 1.2 million casualties on all sides.

It is hard to imagine the scale of the slaughter until you visit the area. Mainly small country roads wind their way round the battlefield and at almost every turn there is a miltary cemetry or a memorial to a particular regiment.

It is unbelievably humbling to see how many people volunteerd for the British cause for what they thought was just going to be a great adventure. Pals regiments, football teams, boys brigade regiments and even a battalion made up of people who worked on the Glasgow trams it really was quite staggering and futile. How futile well after the battle had ended, the British forces had gained five miles of territory, that's all!

There are now no survivors of the First World War alive and that makes it more imperative, regardless of the rights or wrongs of the War, for us to remember those brave boys who fought at the Somme.

I can't do them justice but I will never forget them.

The Western world goes blonde

2009-09-29T09:59:00.004+01:00

In London at the weekend, stayed in a hotel on Friday night near Liverpool Street Station, that gave me the opportunity to people watch the City boys and girls heading for their trains after a night on the sauce.

Firstly I couldn't believe how pissed they were and secondly how many of the women were blonde. Not naturally blonde of course but straight out of a bottle. Where have all the brunettes, read heads and black haired women gone? Why do women feel pressurised to dye their hair this colour, is it true that blondes do have more fun? As a lover of women who are any hair colour but blonde this is particularly distressing.

What is even more distressing is the current phenomena of older men who seem to think its acceptable to dye their hair as well. It really is off putting when a colleague who has grey hair has started to turn up at the office with blonde streaks through the grey. We have to sit there and pretend that nothing has changed, mind you not as funny as a chap I once knew. He was as bald as a coot and had different length of wigs that got progressively longer as the month went on. Then he would suddenly appear with the short one on as though he had just had a haircut. For fuck's sake guys grow old gracefully.

Gertcha - the end of an era.

2009-09-23T11:04:00.003+01:00

I read this on the BBC yesterday, "Music veterans Chas and Dave have split after 35 years together, their agent has announced.

The duo recorded classic household name tunes such as Rabbit, The Sideboard Song and Snooker Loopy.

Bassist and singer Dave Peacock is to retire from the music business following the death of his wife Sue from lung cancer in July.

Pianist Chas Hodges said he will honour their touring commitments under the new name of Chas And His Band."

To say I was gutted was an understatement. It was the soundtrack of my youth and played constantly around our house, sad I know. I saw them play in Glasgow two years ago and what struck me was their musical ability, more than a match for many more commercial artists. Some of their lyrics are incredibly clever and surely even they must have been surprised to have been invited to play at Glastonbury in 2007.

I bloody loved them, Gertcha!

You can keep your Susan Boyle this takes real courage

2009-09-21T11:08:00.002+01:00

Not a dry eye in our house, Scott James I salute you!

When you are in a recession

2009-09-18T12:00:00.006+01:00

When you are in a recession, when petrol prices are rising, unemployment for many looms on the horizon, fags and booze prices continue to rocket, murder and robbery rates continue to soar, Islamic fundementalism continues to grow as does the resurgence of the right wing nutters, there is always one thing that will bring a smile to your face........

Celtic away in Europe!!

Hapoel Tel Aviv 2 Celtic 1

Life changing decisions

2009-09-02T23:40:00.003+01:00

I have been involved in coaching a group of kids rugby at my local club since they were 7 years old. The Scottish Rugby Union have a programme called Pathway that they introduced a number of years ago that aims to identify promising young players. The kids are then put on a programme that will hopefully turn them into Scottish Rugby Internationalists or at the very least play representative rugby or get a professional contract to play rugby.

My team are now 12/13 years of age and we have had to suggest names to go on the Pathway programme. We have chosen four out of 19 kids. One is a tank pure and simple, one looks like Jean Pierre Rives and plays like him too but suffers from glass ankles, two ankle breaks in four years, one is the son of an excellent rugby player who got every honour bar a Scotland cap and one is as mad as a box of frogs but I wouldn't like to try to tackle him.

I do hope our chosen few do go on to make it and rugby changes their lives and indeed wish we could have nominated the whole team. I am proud to say that these boys turn up Wednesday and Sunday and play the game because they love it. They think nothing of breaking the ice on puddles in the middle of winter so we can practice or play in rain that is actually sore when it hits your head. These young men are a credit to themselves and deserve the chance to succeed at a sport they love.

Incidentally Jean Pierre Rives, the French rugby team once trained on our school's rugby pitches and of course we went to watch them. Whenever there was a break in training, Rives and Serge Blanco put their hand in their tracksuit bottoms pulled out their fags and smoked a sneaky wee Gauloises! Professional rugby who needs it!!

Edward Kennedy and Al Magrahi one and the same.

2009-08-31T14:30:00.004+01:00

Edward Kennedy is dead, cue mass hysteria and mourning by the American masses. Al Magrahi is released, cue mass outrage and anger by the American masses.

Whilst being absolutely ouraged by the release of the Libyan I was not unhappy when I heard the news of Kennedy's death. They both have one thing in common that they both thought terrorism was a means to an end of a political goal.

Kennedy did not plant the bombs that blew up innocent men, woman and children in Northern Ireland but I wonder how many fund raisers he attended that raised money for the IRA or its political wing Sinn Fein. His lack of condemnation of the Brighton bomb, Hyde Park bomb or the Omagh bomb spoke volumes about the man and yet he is being hailed as a hero by Americans.

Edward Kennedy's death was summed up beautifully by Lord Tebbit who's wife was crippled after the Brighton bomb, "he certainly leaned towards extreme Republicanism. He was certainly no friend of the UK."

Oh and guess who was a guest of honour at his funeral, Gerry Adams leader of Sinn Fein and a close friend of the Kennedy family.

Itchy feet

2009-08-30T00:16:00.003+01:00

I suppose my head was turned in December 2007 when we spent Christmas in Hong Kong. Something just bit me and has never left me, an overwhelming desire to bring up my children somewhere else other than Glasgow. Don't get me wrong, Glasgow offers my family and I a fantastic standard of living and my kids go to great schools, but I can't help thinking we may be better off elsewhere. After our extended stay in the US, my wife is of the same opinion.

There are a number of obstacles in our way however. First me, I am totally unemployable by anyone else other than the business I own in conjunction with my brother. I suppose I could go to a new place of our choice with the brief to set up a new part of our property business but if British banks won't fund deals in property to customers they know, what chance would I have with banks in the US or Far East with someone they don't. I suppose I could take a fully paid sabbatical for a year or two but that would be an interesting conversation with my brother.

Secondly is my youngest son Will. He goes to an absolutely brilliant school for kids with special needs and we would have to make damn sure he would be able to go to a school at least as good if not better than his present one.

Thirdly Ed my eldest is very settled in his second year of Senior school and is adamant he doesn't want to go anywhere. I know, and we have lived by the mantra, that kids shouldn't run your lives, but it is an emotional pull when he says he would rather live with my Mother than move abroad. Christ I would hate to live with my Mother and I did!

Fourthly, if there even is such a word, where the hell would we go. I love Hong Kong but am fairly sure my wife doesn't, I fancy Australia but Jesus where do we start, Melbourne, Brisbane or Perth? Sydney is a no go due to the fact that my wife's brother lives there and not to put too fine a point on it, she thinks he's a tosser. America, we all love America but is the US ready for us. I think if I was a Cameroonian with no money it would be easier to be allowed to stay there.

My wife has decided to start having a look at the real possibilities and made the sensible suggestion that we choose a place/city take the kids out of school for the month of June and go live there for three months, then decide.

I just wish when I was 22 and had the conversation with my Dad about traveling that I had completely ignored his advice and just done it! This blog may have been titled Gaz in Brisbane!

Champions League we're having a laugh

2009-08-28T15:21:00.003+01:00

After last year's debacle when we had to qualify for the Champions League and failed miserably to do so, it was with great excitement (even at 42 still capable of childish like great excitement) that I watched the Champions League draw. Even better when the other half were dumped out by the Arsenal! We got Stuttgart, Sevilla and some Romanian mob. The best trip to watch the Bears is definitely Seville but as I have a prior engagement I will make do with the delights of Stuttgart again. I won't make the same mistake I made last time when I asked the waiter, admittedly after a few beers, where all the old buildings were. "Forgive me Sir" came the reply "you bombed them all during the war!"

The Weather

2009-08-25T10:43:00.002+01:00

Remember the days of your childhood, cold winters and snow, snowball fights and sledging. Long summer days playing football in the street from dusk until dawn and swimming in the pond in the park until you realised that was where they put the dog shit that they had collected.

In Glasgow the weather has been pretty shite for as long as I can remember but I used to live in a country that had seasons. Now we have one season, rain. That's it nothing else but rain and more rain! It really is incredibly boring!

America

2009-08-24T11:44:00.013+01:00

A grand tour of America was the order of the day for the Gaz in Glasgow family and we set of on a four week tour of some known and lesser known parts of the US of A. Thank God we holidayed before the SNP's decision to release Al Magrahi or we probably wouldn't have corrected anyone who thought we were Irish.

Flying to Philadelphia, we had chosen to spend the first part of our sojourn with two weeks in Ocean City, New Jersey. It really is a city of two parts, from 1st to 21st Street the holiday destination of the average Joe and his family. Not particularly attractive with a 2 mile long boardwalk harking back to yesteryear and reminiscent of Blackpool without the pissed up neds! From 21st onwards think Lytham St Annes, $5,000,000 beach houses and condos and very, very attractive. Purely by accident, and thank God, we ended up in this part of town. Absolutely bloody brilliant and our apartment had a fantastic view of a fantastic beach. I can't recommend OC highly enough for anyone travelling with a family.

Next up was a couple of nights in Philadelphia. A city not obviously on the tourist trail but one certainly worth visiting. Full of history and basically the formation of the USA took place here and for a history buff like me, fascinating. It's other plus is of course the Rocky steps and it is priceless to stand at the bottom of the steps to Philadelphia Museum of Modern Art watching all these 40 something men run up the steps and start shadow boxing when they get to the top. If you get the chance go.

We then ventured to Baltimore, very much a blue collar town who has made the best of itself by developing its inner harbor into a myriad of tourist attractions. We were there for Baseball however. Off to see the Baltimore Orioles who appear to be the Partick Thistle of Major League Baseball. Their stadium Camden Yards is absolutely magnificent and even though we are not baseball aficionados we would certainly go to another game. Something for everyone and they certainly know how to entertain a crowd. In true Partick Thistle fashion they lost as well!

Onto the Obama's new home. DC, architecturally stunning in parts, decidedly dodgy in others but worth a visit alone for the Smithsonian museums. They are quite simply breathtaking and the best bit of all was that these are not replicas on display, they are the real thing. The Wright Brothers plane to Dorothy's red shoes from Wizard of Oz, the museums captivated us from start to finish.

Travelling seven hours by car, the GPS said it would take 2.5 hours, we ended up for our final week in Virgina Beach. A penthouse flat was the order of the day with stunning sea views but 25 major problems. Sitting on the balcony at night reading a book, contemplating my navel and sipping the odd beer, I then retired to bed. Woke up in the middle of the night right leg itching beyond belief. On closer examination I had 25 mosquito bites, why they favoured my right leg I'll never know. The complex we were in was too far away from the action but we weren't to know before we travelled and I think we have now done Virgina Beach.

My over riding memory of America is actually a taste - Cinnamon. They put it in everything and can't get enough of the stuff. The strange thing is that it becomes something you look forward to tasting maybe it harks back to my youth when we didn't have enough money for fags and went to the health food shop instead to buy Cinnamon sticks to smoke!

Dirty deeds done dirt cheap

2009-07-09T10:47:00.003+01:00

Last Tuesday night my 12 year old son got an education, not just any old education but a Rock education. We went to see AC/DC at Hampden Park and among the questions asked and answered were:

Dad what's that sweet smelling smoke? Dope son Dope

Dad what's the Jack and why is she a dirty woman? A sexual disease and because she sleeps with a lot of men.

Dad why are these girls lifting their tops up when the cameras are on them? The band like it.

Dad can I have a beer? No!

It was quite simply the best concert I have ever seen. AC/DC are very much a boys band summed up by my son enthusiastically telling my wife one song lasted half an hour with a twenty minute guitar solo by the mighty Angus Young, "What is the point of that?" she replied!

Funeral Problems

2009-06-26T10:36:00.002+01:00

Michael Jackson's family are having trouble buying black armbands for the funeral, they keep gradually turning white.

Masturbating

2009-06-23T15:27:00.002+01:00

Democracy in Iran??

2009-06-18T09:49:00.005+01:00

The way the elections in Iran have been reported have painted a picture that the President Ahmadinejad, the man accused of rigging the elections, is the bad guy and his opponent Mir Hossein Mousavi is the good guy. They are both complete nutters and voting for either candidate will not materially change Iran and certainly not put an end to Sharia law.

Compare Iran to Dubai, one immediately thinks of Dubai of being a progressive and forward thinking, a bit of an eye sore, but progressive and forward thinking. Consider Marnie Pearce, a Brit who had lived in Dubai and fancied a bit of how's your father with a British construction worker. Her relationship with her husband had broken down and they didn't even live together. Marnie was arrested on the grounds of adultery after a wee session of afternoon delight and sentenced to three months in prison, she was released yesterday. This is Sharia law in action in Dubai as well and yet, Brits and the media flock to Dubai in their thousands and tell everyone what a great place it is.

Perhaps we'll see thousands of Brits heading for Tehran to snap up property at bargain prices as even after the Dubai property crash I'm sure Iran would be much cheaper than the UAE. Religion has absolutely no place in the running of any country, and until the Iranians fundamentally push for this change, I couldn't give a stuff whether their elections were rigged or not, they deserve the leaders they get.

An obsession put into words

2009-06-17T11:09:00.006+01:00

One of the problems I have found in life is getting strangers to understand what Rangers FC means to me and hundreds of thousands of others. I came across this article in the Times whilst browsing on the internet and it puts into words a lot of the emotion I feel for our great Club.

"Lost dreams come to life for Rangers fans - Melanie Reid, the Rangers widow.
The Times - 13th May 2008

When the Uefa Cup final kicks off, it is going to be a bit like that W. H. Auden poem that is so popular at funerals. Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Scotland will resemble some post-nuclear wasteland, with the tumbleweed blowing eerily along empty streets and the odd rabid dog scuttling for cover. Parked in back alleys, police cars and paramedics will sit, waiting, listening to the muffled heartbeat of the nation.

Don’t be frightened, too, if you feel the UK tip a little on its axis as the combined weight of so many Rangers fans leave Scotland and head for Manchester, and Land’s End dips a few feet into the water. This could be the biggest population exodus from the north since the troop trains left for France in 1914.

Do I exaggerate? Of course not. I am married to a fan. And all over the nation, us dutiful Rangers widows will huddle over our knitting, our hearts in our mouths, hoping for good news from the front line. This tournament feels as though it has lasted as long as a war.

We have endured the phone calls from the pub, telling us that — once again — the game has gone to extra time and penalties. We have seen our men — portly, middle-aged and eminently respectable — dancing round the living room to mark first the quarter-final, then the semi-final victories. We have listened to incoherent eulogies to Nacho Novo and David Weir and Carlos Cuéllar. Did we complain? Did we say “you’re gibbering, go to bed”? Never, not once.

The fact is, this final represents many things, and some of them are much bigger than football. Rangers Football Club stands in many ways for post-industrial Scotland itself: diminished but yearning for a return to the elitism and machismo that was once its by rights. This is about dreaming lost dreams.

Rangers was the club of the skilled shipyard workers on the Clyde at Govan. Thousands of men would charge from the gates of the yards, turning the pavements black. They worked long, physical hours and on Saturday came their reward, when they went to the pub at 11am, then poured into Ibrox, up to 100,000 of them, to cheer on their team.

The culture of this skilled, aspirational working class came to be that of the team. The shipyard workers were hard-working Protestants; members of the masonic lodge; and loyal unionists. Blue, red and white was not only the colour of the Rangers strip, it was also the colour of the union flag.

They were arrogant, these men, with a fantastic pride and belief in themselves. They knew that they ran the engine room of the Empire. They had that sense of being giants, of status, of possessing real economic clout. They wanted their team to win, and they usually did.

This social supremacy flowed in the veins of Bill Struth, the Rangers manager from 1920 to 1954. Struth insisted that his players turn up at their club wearing suits and bowler hats. In the visiting team’s dressing-room at Ibrox he famously had the hooks mounted high on the wall, so the opponents had to stand on the bench to hang up their jackets — and be instilled with fear of the giants they faced.

Senior policemen, civic leaders, politicians, businessmen, newspaper editors: all were keen to be part of the Rangers elite, creating a considerable powerbase by association in the West of Scotland. Vestiges of which linger, like the faint smell of wood polish in a dusty hall. There was a time when the club were one of the biggest in Britain, far richer and more powerful than Manchester United or Chelsea. But as Scotland declined and its industrial might withered, so, too, did Scottish football.

Rangers found themselves no longer so mighty. And the team and fan base that had travelled first class all their lives hated being in a second-class position.

You can play amateur psychologist — us Rangers wives have to — and wonder if this is why the fans are now some of the most demanding in the world. From the knuckle-draggers right up to the captains of commerce, it is as if received in their folk memory is the belief that their rightful place is at the top.

And now they are heady with a sense of pride that their team, under-resourced in comparison to other great teams, are punching way above their weight to reach the final.

Is it any wonder our husbands regress, filled with an almost childlike sense of joy and pride? To get to the final is enough to lay the ghost of those vanished glories. And if the team win? Well, they might just deserve to stay for that extra pint."

Melanie Reid was correct, it was the largest movement of the British population for one event in post-war Britain. 200,000, yes 200,000 people travelled to Manchester in a blue tsunami just to say they were there. We lost the final but it is still one of the greatest few days in my life and one I never thought I would see in my lifetime and I'm sure I will never see again. To give you an idea of the scale I have posted a picture above of the fans in Piccadilly Square, Manchester.

Rangers fans are predominantly proudly Unionist and yes, we are sometimes arrogant, but it is my genuine belief there is not a more magnificent obsession in the sporting world. No other club has dominated professional sport in the country they play in as much as Rangers have. We demand high standards of our players and those that fail to meet those standards are dealt with swiftly by the management of the Club.

We may not have the wealth of Manchester United or Real Madrid but we do have a support capable of producing an atmosphere at Ibrox Park unrivalled by any other sporting institution. This atmosphere impelled various players to comment on it:

Didier Drogba (Chelsea)

"All I can say when I try to imagine what it will be like at Ibrox is Ooh la la!' I played against Rangers at Ibrox with Chelsea in the summer and we lost 2-0, I have told Perrin that the atmosphere at Ibrox is absolutely magical. To my way of appreciating football, its truly really beautiful. That's how to support your team!"

Thierry Henry (FC Barcelona)

"I know the atmosphere that's generated here and that makes it tough for any team. I thought the fans were unbelievable again.

"They were not swearing or shouting stupid things, they pushed their team forward and that's great to see."

Hernan Crespo (AC Milan)

"I've played at Ibrox --the atmosphere is sensational."

Lionel Letizi (PSG)

"I'd been told about the incredible atmosphere but could not believe how loud it was.

"When we arrived and walked out on to the pitch, the stadium was empty because we were early.

"We went back inside to change and when we walked into the tunnel we could hear a rumbling noise.

"And when we went back on to the pitch I could not believe my ears. The sound was terrifying and the game had not even started yet.

"I then had to walk to my goal and when the referee blew his whistle to start the match the sound which came from the stand at my back almost knocked me over."

Henning Berg (When at Rangers)

"The atmosphere was better than anything I experienced at Old Trafford, even better than playing Juventus there. I will never forget this night."

Dado Prso (Monaco)

"The atmosphere was incomparable, and I had goosebumps throughout the match," he said of the 2-2 draw, despite spending the first 56 minutes on the bench.

Since then, I have never experienced anything as intense in any of the other European stadia I've played football in."

Gary Neville (Manchester United)

"This was the loudest atmosphere that I have known, compared to any English ground away from home.

"There have been certain nights at Old Trafford in European games - the ones against Juventus comes to mind - when the atmosphere was incredible.

"But this was definitely up there with the best. It was fantastic.

"When we came out at the start I was looking around me and I saw people in the directors’ box jumping up singing and I was wondering what was happening. It is not usually like that.

"The crowd beating us was never going to happen - but thank goodness they didn’t score."

Ruud van Nistelrooy (Manchester United)

"I'll never forget that night we played there. The atmosphere was unbelievable, very hostile.

Villarreal will think they've experienced a lot of good atmospheres but I really think the Rangers support could startle them.

Marcos Senna (Villarreal)

"Usually players don't even hear supporters when we play but it was impossible to ignore the crowd in Glasgow.

"When they scored, the noise was amazing, incredible. It was a very beautiful spectacle.

Giovanni van Bronckhorst (Barcelona)

"It is not just made up that players can suffer from an intimidating atmosphere when they play at visiting grounds.

"I know from Ruud (Ruud van Nistelrooy) that when we beat PSV at Ibrox in the Champions League he thought it was very frightening. He said it was one of the most atmospheric matches he had ever experienced - and now he has to face it again. For him to come back to Ibrox it will be the same experience.

"I know that Manchester United's players face all the biggest games and full stadiums everywhere, but I think most of them will find this Wednesday night at Ibrox a really different atmosphere.

"I've played in England and I don't think that any stadium in the Premiership can compare with Ibrox for its intimidating atmosphere - it is far above them."

The BNP Wankers!

2009-06-04T09:34:00.004+01:00

Today is the day of the European Elections. With the lazy attitude of the great Britsh public towards politics in recent years, I wouldn't be at all surprised if more people voted for the finalists of Britain's Got Talent than vote today.

For the first time in years however, I feel the Conservative Party have finally, in David Cameron, a leader of Prime Ministerial quality. Labour/Old Labour/New Labour are quite simply a dead duck and reminiscent of the Conservatives before Tony Blair came to power. The difference being that Ministers at that time simply resigned after wrongdoing rather than hold on for grim life.

Whoever I vote for will not make a lot of difference as Scotland is still a strong supporter of the Labour party but those twats at the SNP are catching up fast. I am traditionally a Tory voter but if it meant that the SNP were not going to be able to break up the Union of the Crowns, I would become a lefty instantly!

My prediction is big gains for the nutter fringe parties like UKIP and those wankers at the BNP. It does concern me that a Fascist political party seems to be more and more a part of the political spectrum in the UK, they will get their vote out fanatics always do, and they will also benefit from the so called protest votes. A vote for the BNP is absolutely scandalous and goes against the grain of the vast majority of the UK - I hate them with a passion.

The kindness of others

2009-05-27T14:04:00.002+01:00

At the gym I quite often talk in the changing room to an older guy in his 70's and he keeps telling me how much he likes music. He asked me what sort of music I liked and I thought nothing of it. Today in the gym after flogging my body, sorry finely honed physique, through its full repertoire I retired knackered to the changing room. The chap was there and he then produced from his gym bag a CD he had made for me containing tracks of various bands I like. I was really taken aback, I couldn't believe this relative stranger had gone to so much trouble, it was incredibly kind of him and has really lifted my spirits!

Her Majesty the Queen congratulates Rangers FC

2009-05-26T11:07:00.005+01:00

On the occasion of Rangers FC's 52nd League Championship victory for season 2008-2009, Her Majesty the Queen has issued this commemorative portrait.

Well done Walter and all the team, Champions League we're having a laugh.

Police Dogs

2009-05-18T13:34:00.002+01:00

Whilst surfing a Glasgow messageboard came across a discussion about the retirement age for police dogs or dugs as they are known in Glasgow.

One wee story caught my eye:

"My next door neighbour has an ex-police dog, it was retired with bad hips at 5 years old, one night when me and my mrs were out 2 scumbags tried to force our door, the dug went mental, Joe opened the door and it flew out like a hairy Greyhound, jumped the fence and set about them, one climbed the back wall and the other lay down crying till the police showed up, on checking the wall they found blood on it, they went to the local A&E Dept and found scumbag number 2 with his arse looking like he'd survived a Barrymore pool party!
The dug had been feeling sorry for itself since Joe got it, after this it was strutting about as if to tell us all that the old magic was still there, every couple of weeks the Mrs buys it a wee bit of steak, rump of course!"

Marmaduke Duke

2009-05-13T15:29:00.001+01:00

Great song by yet another Scottish band and a bonus glance of the lovely Jo Wylie as well.

The Great Escape

2009-04-29T11:10:00.004+01:00

My son William, the one who has Downs Syndrome and my dog Nora, she obviously doesn't, love to spend time in the garden together during the summer months.

Nora loves chasing squirrels, birds and crapping on the grass. William loves digging up the earth with a teaspoon (God knows why its the only implement for him that will do the job)and bouncing on his trampoline which is so large it can be seen on google earth.

Now they share a common bond, escaping from the garden. Nora from an early age showed a penchant for wandering under fences and the garden after a couple of days of fencing by myself and my brother now is a dog version of Stalag Luft Nord. I came home from work yesterday and was told Will was in the garden. I called his name he replied "Yes" and his face appeared at the top of a steep embankment that backs onto the garden way beyond the boundary fence. He had somehow managed to scale the fence. After telling him to come back I searched as to how he had got out, he had taken the ladder from the trampoline and placed it on the fence and climbed over, Jesus and people question the intelligence of folks with Downs Syndrome.

If only Steve McQueen had a trampoline ladder he wouldn't have had to bother with all that motorbike nonsense.

China Cuckoo

2009-04-28T15:31:00.009+01:00

I picked up an interesting book a couple of weeks ago by a chap called Mark Kitto, its is called China Cuckoo and it tells the story of Mark building up his business in Shanghai only to have it taken from him by the powers that be in China. It was that rarest of books that one occasionally finds that you have to keep reading.

Mark basically compiled Shanghai's equivalent of Time Out magazine and was beginning to make serious money and was in the process of selling out to a Hong Kong based company when he was relieved of control of his empire by the Chinese authorities.

During his time in Shanghai he was looking for a bolt hole and came across a place called Moganshan. It was to here that Mark and his wife escaped after his problems came to a head. He not only wrote China Cuckoo but has also established a coffee shop in Moganshan and a charming looking guest house. China Cuckoo is definitely worth a read for anyone with an interest in China and I certainly would love to visit Moganshan.

http://moganshanlodge.com/

http://moganshanhouse23.com/

It really does amaze me how resolute some people are, I think if the PRC had done what they did to Mark I would have boarded the first flight back to Blighty! Maybe that's why I'm in the perpetual succour of Mother Glasgow!

The Budget by Alastair Darling and Gordon Brown

2009-04-23T10:30:00.004+01:00

Fucking idiots!!

Judging books by their cover

2009-04-21T14:29:00.004+01:00

I am sometimes dismayed by human nature.Every paper this week and last week has been full of articles written about Susan Boyle a contestant on Britain's Got Talent.

She walked on stage not a particluarly bonny looking female, spoke to the judges, obviously not the sharpest tool in the box and then sang a song from Les Miserables beautifully.

All hell broke loose singing sensation, proposed appearances on Oprah Winfrey infact, type in Susan Boyle into Google images and she comes up first, two weeks ago she wouldn't even have featured.

Now what does this really say about the general public. Some fat ugly bird from Scotland with some social skills issues shouldn't have a talent!! Jesus Christ I thought we'd moved on from freak shows, it is akin to being surprised that anyone that is not drop dead gorgeous with a personality to match can do anything.

The Ibrox Disasters 1902 and 1971

2009-04-15T11:04:00.008+01:00

On the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster it is worth noting that long before this tragedy occurred disasters of similar scale took place at Ibrox Park home of my beloved Rangers Football Club.

On 5 April 1902, during a Scotland vs England football match the back of the newly built West Tribune Stand at Ibrox collapsed due to heavy rainfall the previous night. Hundreds of supporters fell up to 40 feet (12 m) to the ground below. 25 people died and 517 were injured.

The stand at the time consisted of wooden terracing supported by a steel girder frame. Following the accident such frameworks were discredited, and replaced throughout the United Kingdom by terracing supported by earthworks or reinforced concrete.

The tragedy occurred after 51 minutes of the match, which was declared void by the two Football Associations. All proceeds of the replayed match at Villa Park, Birmingham on 3 May 1902 went to the disaster fund.

The second major incident occurred on 2 January 1971 at the end of a Rangers vs Celtic game. After 89 minutes of scoreless football Celtic took a 1–0 lead and many Rangers supporters left the stadium. However, in the last seconds of stoppage time, Colin Stein scored an equaliser for Rangers.

As the crowd was leaving the ground, barriers on Stairway 13 gave way causing a massive chain-reaction pile-up of spectators. The tragedy resulted in the loss of 66 lives, including many children - five of them schoolmates from the town of Markinch in Fife. Most of the deaths were caused by compressive asphyxia, with bodies being stacked up to six feet deep in the area. Over 200 other fans were injured.

After the disaster the Directors of Rangers vowed never to let anything like this happen again and therefore Rangers were the first football club in Britain to have an all-seater stadium.

A fitting memorial to the 66 who died in 1971 was erected in the form of a statue of then club captain John Greig and is outside Ibrox and is a place of pilgrimage for many supporters on January 2nd every year.

So when you think of those that died at Hillsborough please do not forget those who dies at Ibrox.

If only they'd gone to Lambeth

2009-04-03T12:25:00.003+01:00

Whilst the music press were flying to Seattle and worshipping all things Kurt Cobain and Nirvana, there was a band in deepest darkest Lambeth, wordsmiths of the highest order and vastly under rated. Any band whose song starts with the lyrics:-

Sheriff Fatman started out in business
as a granny farmer
He was infamous for fifteen minutes
And he appeared in Panorama
Then he somehow got himself on board
The Starship Enterprise Allowance Scheme
With a Price of Wales award
for pushing valium and amphetamines

is surely worth a listen, Carter and the Unstoppable Sex Machine I salute you.

Christian the Lion

2009-03-31T14:43:00.002+01:00

My daughter showed me this clip on You Tube, two guys bought this lion cub from Harrods in the 1960's, as you do, it got too big for them to look after so they arranged to have it released into the wild in Kenya. They then went to visit Christian.

Jimmy Carr

2009-03-19T10:31:00.003Z

Went to see the comedian Jimmy Carr last night. Funnier on Telly than in the flesh. One joke he did tell that amused me was, what is the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your cock up a girl's arse! It went downhill after that!

Plastic Paddy's

2009-03-18T14:12:00.003Z

I had the misfortune of driving through an area of Glasgow known as Royston. Imagine Basra in the heat of a battle with the Taliban and you have the rough idea. You pray your car doesn't breakdown in Royston and the traffic lights stay green. Well out of the corner of my eye I saw something fluttering on a lamp post, an Irish tricolour, what the fuck is that all about. It wasn't on one, it was on every lamp post on every street! Then I realised it was close to St Patricks day, very much a British patron saint as well, not that these people will realise it. Half the people in Royston are descended originally from Irish people but Jesus H Christ can't we move on. This is Glasgow, this is Scotland, this is the United Kingdom, we are a rocky sea ride on an uncomfortable ferry away from Ireland, why do these descendants have to be Plastic Paddy's rather than embrace the country that has gives them free schooling, housing, healthcare etc. I wonder if I drive to Royston around St Andrews day, will I see St Andrews flags draped from lamp posts, will I hell! Would someone care to tell me where in Ireland is Glasgow!

Commonwealth Games 2014 Glasgow

2009-03-18T14:03:00.004Z

After much consideration I am now firmly in the "Commonwealth Games will be bad for Glasgow camp". For a grand total of £298 million we can have sub-standard athletic competition disrupting our lives for a few weeks and a very small country's population having to pay this vast sum for many years to come. How else to raise the spirts of the average Glaswegian in 2014, well there are roughly 1 million of us in the Greater Glasgow area, how about a wee cheque for £298 for every citizen, alternatively the cancelation of the games would bring a smile to everyone's face!

Glasgow songs and jeely pieces

2009-03-06T11:37:00.003Z

Glasgow has long had a tradition of songs. "I belong to Glasgow" or Billy Connoly's "Wellie boot song" are perhaps among the most famous but my particular favourite is the Jeely Piece song. For those of you who are uninitiated in the Glasgow vencaular a jeely piece is basically a jam sandwich. The background to the song is that when the Glasgow Corporation decided to solve the housing problem in the 50's and 60's they opted for the high rise flat. Previously the tradition was if a wean (child) was hungry they would shout to their Mammy for a jeely piece. This was fine in the olf tenements no more than four stories high but presented a problem when they were thrown from the new high rises. The jeely piece song tells of starving children due to lack of jeely pieces!

For those unable to fathom the lyrics they are listed below!

I'm a skyscraper wean, I live on the nineteenth flair,
But I'm no gaun oot to play ony mair,
Since we moved to Castlemilk, I'm wasting away,
'Cause I'm getting one less meal every day.

O ye cannae fling pieces oot a twenty-story flat,
Seven-hundred hungry weans will testify to that,
If it's butter, cheese or jeely, if the breid is plain or pan,
The odds against it reaching earth and ninety-nine to one.

On the first day my maw flung out a piece o' Hovis brown.
It came skyting oot the winda and went up insteid o' doon,
But every twenty-seven hours it comes back into sight,
'Cause my piece went into orbit and became a satellite.

One the second day my maw flung me a piece oot once again.
It went and hit the pilot in a fast, low-flying plane.
He scraped it off his goggles, shouting through the intercom:
'The Clydeside Reds have got me wi' a breid-and-jeely bomb!'

One the third day my maw thought she would try another throw.
The Salvation Army band was staunin' doon below.
'ONWARD, CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS' was the piece they should have played,
But the oompah-man was playing a piece-on-marmalade.

We've wrote away tae Oxfam to try and get some aid,
And a' the weans in Castlemilk have formed a ''Piece'' brigade;
We're going to march to George's Square, demanding civil rights,
Like 'Nae Mair Hooses Over Piece-Flinging Height!'

Pigs can't fly but they can ski

2009-03-04T14:27:00.004Z

We visited the town of Morzine in France for a spot of skiing. I have come to the conclusion that whizzing down the slopes whilst hoping you do not fall on your arse is an exhilirating way to spend time with your family. The skiing was fantastic and imagine my surprise after tackling a fairly tricky red run when I came face to face with a pig. It obviously wasn't a tricky red run for those of the pork variety but certainly made me look forward to my lunch. The euro rate against sterling is a complete joke and one day spent 120 euros on a one course lunch with a few drinks for five. Considering my youngest only eats chips and drinks milk, 24 euros for a glass of milk and some chips is a bit steep.

I have been a touch remiss about photo posting in this blog recently so plan to correct it instantly with a few wee snaps from my glorious wee trip to Hong Kong.

No prizes for guessing locations, Hong Kong readers should be able to identify most.
You come across the strangest things in HK where you least expect to see them, this war memorial arch being one of them. The photo doesn't do it justice but it makes mention of the Chinese who suffered at the hands of the Japanese government unusual for a British memorial.

I was incredibly taken by the wee figure in the last picture and am happy to report he had no problems with immigration and has fully adapted in his transition from a gallery window in Lockhart Road to sunny Glasgow.

Fred Goodwin and other annoying feckers

2009-02-11T15:45:00.006Z

Sir Fred Goodwin ex Chairman of the RBS has apologised unreservedly for his part in the credit crisis. Word reaches me that Fred only two weeks ago was indulging in a spot of shooting with his pal Bernie Ecclestone. I wouldn't be surprised if Fred ended up as the replacement for Max Mosely as President of the FIA or Chief Executive of F1 as a thanks by Bernie for the RBS's sponsorship of various parts of Formula 1. It does make you think of that expression a man is judged by the company he keeps, Jesus what must Bernie Ecclestone be like!

In addition Sir Fred has also applied for membership of the R and A (the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews) THE golf club of golf clubs. I believe his application is supported by letters of endorsement by Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer, wouldn't it be a coincidence if they had received sponsorship from the RBS, oh they have well blow me down!!

The worst kind of arsehole in the world is a bully - fact! My son has been recently getting some grief from one at school. He was dispatched this morning with the words ringing in his ears "if that wee twat says anything to you, I give you my full permission to go up and smack the bastard full in the face." I have full confidence to do it, I just wish I was there to see it.

Its been 3 months since my last post, Hong Kong, New York

2009-02-02T11:27:00.005Z

As the title says it's been 3 long months since my last post as I just haven't found the urge to blog. Don't know why but here I am back again with renewed vigour.

My glorious week in Hong Kong is a distant memory but was absolutely brilliant. Staying at the Mandarin Oriental is an experience everyone should be entitled to enjoy at least once in their lifetime. It is opulence of the highest order especially when they upgrade you to a suite with views of Kowloon. I spent a lot of time wandering through HK and you really do notice something new every 100 yards or so. I even ventured over to Kowloon and spent an excellent afternoon at the little publicised HK museum and got turned away from the Peninsula as I was wearing shorts - stupid fuckers!

I had a couple of days in Macua with the boys and took the helicopter from the top of the Shun Tak centre an experience in itself. We dined at this fantastic Portuguese restaurant which could have been in Porto but Macau really is tackiness of the highest order. There is definitely a marked difference to people from Macua and Hong Kong to the mainland Chinese. A sweeping generalisation I know but the ones I saw in the Casinos were manky, greasy hair bad skin, body odour and no dress sense. Gambling isn't my thing so I had to content myself watching idiots lose fortunes and generally get angry about doing so. Not much fun I'd say. In my humble opinion though Macau is fucked, it looks as though before they built the monstrous casinos it would have been a charming place to live, but greed like only Asians can aspire to has won the day.

I had some fantastic food whilst away and can't resist giving a plug to a Vietnamese restaurant that is my absolute favourite. The location is pretty shite and the interior nothing spectacular but the food is exquisite, Indochine in Lan Kwai Fong, I salute you.

Christmas was spent en famille in the Big Apple. It really is the original Metropolis and a place one could never tire of visiting. We did all the usual tourist stuff and I have to say visiting a city where you know someone really does put you at an advantage. In New York, you feel like a tourist as you have absolutely no inside knowledge of the place no matter how much of the web you surf. We did however manage to hook up with some of my Wife's second cousins who live on Staten Island and they entertained us regally at their house on Christmas Eve. When you get the Staten Island ferry across at Christmas you are trailed by a Police boat. Suicide bomber protection I thought, no apparently many people try to end it all at Christmas by throwing themselves off the Staten Island Ferry, a cheery thought.

Hong Kong, the bank, skiiing, Gordon Brown

2008-11-17T12:00:00.008Z

Well it's finally here my boys jolly to Hong Kong and by God it's caused a stir. I leave on Wednesday and arrive on Thursday and can't wait! People asking why I am travelling half way round the world to meet up with good friends and not believing that my wife has agreed to this. Well they've obviously never been to HK or enjoyed any r and r there. At the grand old age of 41 I thought people would leave you alone with your decisions without putting their oar in, how wrong I am. It must be human nature to question people's ability to travel without your family and especially as it does not involve me travelling to watch football. How wrong they are, Saturday night 11pm Rangers v Aberdeen live on the telly but not at home but in a bar in HK what could be more appealing. A trip to Macau has been arranged and I'm expecting tackiness to the nth degree, drunk by midday, sick by two and drinking again by three, it will be like reliving my early twenties in various London pubs.

We finally had a rather sheepish visit from the bank wanting to renegotiate various terms in their favour. We took the view would the bank help me if I had fucked up big time. Errmm no they wouldn't so, with some consideration, we told them we were happy with our various deals at present but if they wanted to give us some cash we would perhaps consider, we we're still waiting for the cash offer.

Skiing with William is very amusing. He trots off for a ski lesson most Sundays and has progressed really well. Yesterday his ski instructor had his Woody doll inside her jacket in order to persuade William to ski from the top of the slope. It is amusing to see him twist people other than his family round his little finger and get them to do things they normally wouldn't dream of.

Gordon Brown seems to be making a surge in the opinion polls which makes me think I live in some twilight zone. Was he not the man that did not foresee the collapse of the economy and the near total collapse of the banking sector in the UK? With this bounce in the polls, Labour won the recent Grangemouth by-election and I only hope that Tory and LibDem voters went with Labour to keep the SNP candidate out. After all the leader of the SNP, Alex Salmond did say he wanted Scotland's economy to resemble Ireland and Iceland, whose economies are more knackered than ours!!

The working class, shite and US Elections

2008-10-28T09:51:00.003Z

Last night a programme appeared on our screens presented by John Prescott. This examined the British class system and John's obsession with being working class. Coming from a distinctly middle class background it never ceases to amaze me how many people bang on about their working class roots. Quite frankly who gives a toss. They wear it like some badge of honour and like Prescott, seem to apologise for achieving great things in life by backing it up with, "ah but I've never forgotten my working class roots." If we all trace our families back long enough, with a few exceptions, we all started off with working class relations. I couldn't give a toss as to what class people are from, they are either, good guys or wanks, to use a well known Scottish school expression, and I've met plenty in both camps in my time. Having said all that Prescott came out of it quite well unlike his wife the lovely Pauline who has the most upper class accent for a working class girl, she makes the Queen sound common.

Shite is a word that should be hailed as one of the greatest in the English language, shite not shit. Said with a guttural Glasgow accent it is perhaps one of the most accurate sounding swear words we have. "Away and stop talking shite big man" being one particularly fantastic usage.

Obama or McCain, it looks like Obama is a shoe in. If I was an American citizen I would naturally be drawn to the Republican party but would be hard pressed to vote for Senator McCain and sexyish Sara Palin. Obama is an assassination waiting to happen and tragic though it may be I can't see him carrying out a full term in office without some racist nutter having a pot shot at him. Is Obama the man to turn round the US economy, I have no idea but surely he is a better bet than pensioner John McCain.

Credit crunch, new car

2008-10-08T15:59:00.006+01:00

Having lunch with a proprty tycoon friend of mine and inevitably talking about the credit crunch. He managed to put a positive spin on the whole situation, "Let's face it" he said "it's not often your company is worth more than the Bank of Scotland".

The new Gazmobile arrive and very classy it is too. After checking out all the usual suspects I plumped for the eco friendly Range Rover, 21 miles to the gallon, makes a change the last car was 12 miles to the gallon, so I'm saving the enviroment as I drive!!

My Dad's a strongman

2008-09-18T10:10:00.003+01:00

Yesterday morning I was standing at the top of my driveway waving the family off on the school run. I pretended to push my wife's car down the driveway and you should have seen my youngest's face - an absolute picture. The window in the car is then rolled down and he shouts "muscles Daddy, muscles!!". He couldn't believe I had managed to push the car!!

Only in Glesga! Artur Boruc

2008-09-09T10:28:00.004+01:00

Two things happened in the space of an hour yesterday that could only happen in Glasgow. Whilst queuing to pay for my lunch in Marks and Sparks, a young Glasgow mum started emptying her basket of shopping. First out a half eaten apple, "Haw Declan, did you eat that apple ya wee bastert!", then she noticed that Declan by this time had unwrapped a double packet of Hannah Montana chocolate lollies and was now munching those. "Right ya wee prick, yir gonnae get it when my man comes in." Declan continued munching no doubt wondering which of his Mum's men was going to tell him off!

Then walking down Sauchiehall Street on the quest to buy a Wii fit for my niece's birthday, I walked passed Ann Summers, never a chore. But again something happened that stopped me in my tracks. Again a Glesga Mum, this time with the tracky bottoms, gold chains and baseball cap was about to go in. With her was a 12 year old boy who was duly dragged into the shop with his mum. At 12 I got embarrassed being in the lingerie department of British Home Stores never mind Ann Summers, what was she thinking - actually we're probably better not knowing.

There are some foreign players who play for Rangers and Celtic who get how to behave during matches between these two famous institutions and some who don't. Currently playing for Celtic is a Polish goalkeeper called Artur Boruc and he just doesn't get it and seems hell bent on trying to inflame an already dangerous inferno. I was glad to see Boruc getting his come uppance on Sunday with a glaring error that cost his side any chance of getting back in the game. Even better it happened against Rangers!! Its the fourth Rangers goal in case you couldn't tell.

Letters unlikely to be read out on Points of View

2008-08-25T15:44:00.001+01:00

Summer Holidays, disaster in Europe and HK here I come.

2008-08-19T11:23:00.003+01:00

Just enjoyed a three week breask in Portugal. Vale do Lobo to be precise which is a bit like Port Merrion in the Prisoner but with sun. The beaches really are spectacular but by the 11th day in a row sitting eating a sandy ham and cheese roll, watching the waves, the novelty begins to wear off. My kids abdsolutely love it and as it is on the Atlantic there are some awesome waves for them to enjoy. My youngest spent all day playing on the sand or in the seas with just an occasional break for water. When he got back to the flat at night he was like a camel and drank the water supply of a smaller African nation.

The food is perfectly acceptable but a bit bland and as 90% of the property seems to be owned by English people, steak in pepper sauce seems to be the Portugeuse national dish. Portugal is a wee bit like Spain but without the money. They start building something and never quite finish it off.

One realy galling thing happened, my wife and kids had set off the week before me and I was at home working and being press ganged by my Mum to take her out to dinner. I got a phone call from my wife to say the flat had been burgled. Naturally she was very upset and the bastards had stolen her laptop and the "big fuckah" of a ring I bought her for her 40th. She went to the Portugeuse Police and incredibly they asked her if there were any finger prints. Now I do not expect them to find the bloody stuff but they didnt even come out to the flat where the break in happened! I really felt sorry for my wife and kids as they were having such a great time and I think it took the shine off it for them, it did for me. What must the McCanns have had to put up with when they found their wee girl missing?

I previously wrote that I didn't think this season would match up to lasts European extravaganza and it bloody well hasn't. Knocked out in the qualifying round of the Champions League to that mighty football team Kaunas of Lithuania! Walter Smith really should have fallen on his sword and only now after the event did the Chairman of the Club sanction any money for transfers, too little too late!

Well I have bitten the bullet and am going to Hong Kong on November all booked up, bought and paid for. Tim, my pal in HK is nearly as excited as I am and seems intent on arranging an itineray that will require a trip to the Priory to sort me out. I really can't wait it is going to be brilliant.

Mamma Mia

2008-07-11T14:28:00.002+01:00

Do not go and see Mamma Mia the movie, it is shite, you have been warned.

My problem with Rangers

2008-07-09T15:40:00.006+01:00

I never thought I would admit it but I have a real problem with Rangers next season. What on earth is ever going to beat the feeling of when Nacho scored that penalty against Fiorentina in the UEFA Cup Semi-Final?

If we beat the great unwashed four times and win the treble it will not match that feeling. I used to say I loved the three F's, fags, fucking and football. Having given up the fags and been married for 12 years, thank God for the football. Even that is deserting me - bastards!

I read this week that the police may have to put plastic shoes on sniffer dogs when searching houses of Muslims. Why, it may offend them if they don't? Without trying to sound like a Daily Mail reader, it infuriates me when I hear stuff like this. I just do not believe that this is the representative view of the average British Muslim. The vocal minority seems to be winning time and time again in the UK.

Trans Siberian Railway or my mid life crisis?

2008-07-04T12:08:00.004+01:00

After I left school I asked my Dad if I could go travelling, "Get a qualification first" was the reply. After that I asked again, "No you need to get a job". At that point, on reflection, I should have told him to stick a job up his arse and buggered off for a couple of years. Who knows I might have never come back!

However over the last year or so that travel bug has struck again, I don't know whether it has always been there and been suppressed or has been brought on by a mid life crisis.

My ambition is in November of this year to travel from Glasgow to London, London to Cologne, Cologne to Moscow, Moscow to Beijing, Beijing to Hong Kong all by train. I thought initially that I may try to raise money for Downs Syndrome Scotland by doing this but, as was pointed out to me, it would be like sponsoring me to travel on the Glasgow Underground 24 hours a day.

It would also be a whore of a long time to spend away from home. So I sought out alternatives and rather fancy this:-

Day 1 Arrival in Moscow, transfer to accommodation
Day 2 Local expert-assisted walking tour in Moscow, free time
Day 3 Free day to explore Moscow, evening train departure
Day 4 On board the Trans-Sib via the Urals Mountains
Day 5 On board the Trans-Sib via Central Siberia
Day 6 On board the Trans-Sib, crossing the Yenisei River
Day 7 Past and around Lake Baikal and on to Mongolia
Day 8 Arrival Ulaanbaatar, transfer to Elstei Ger Camp
Day 9 Free day at Elstei; walk, relax, optional riding, stay in gers
Day 10 Return to Ulaanbaatar, local expert-assisted walking tour to Lamasery
Day 11 Depart to Beijing by train across the Southern Gobi
Day 12 Passing the Great Wall of China, arrival in Beijing

But yet again it's too damn long, and add on a train journey to Hong Kong, a trip to Samuel So at the Mandarin, a trip to the tailors and nights out drinking well that's at least another four days.

So another alternative would be leave on the 20th November 2008, Glasgow to Heathrow, Heathrow to Hong Kong (Cathay Pacific business class), return 24th November 2008 having stayed at the Mandarin, ordered five shirts and two suits, had great food, a day chilling at the LRC and nights out in Lang Kwai Fong, now that's what I call a mid life crisis.

Allow comments on this blog

2008-07-04T12:02:00.003+01:00

No matter what I do to this blog it just does not allow the function where other people can make comments about this blog. I got some advice from a fellow blogger, changed settings accordingly doesn't work, went on the blogger help function changed settings accordingly still doesn't bloody work.

I would ask anyone with the knowledge as to how to do this to leave a comment to help, but I can't. Aaarrgghh!

Paolo Conte

2008-07-02T15:06:00.004+01:00

I defy you to listen to this song a couple of times and not sing it all day.

Come Armageddon Come

2008-07-02T11:22:00.006+01:00

My sister in law has a holiday house in Elie a coastal town on the Firth of Forth in Fife. There are two schools of thought with regards to Elie, it is either Shabby Chic or just Shabby. I am afraid to report I reside in the shabby camp.

Granted there is a clean beach but it is hardly the sands of Cornwall, Bermuda or some place like Discovery Bay in Hong Kong. There are two restaurants, owned by the same man, over priced and quality questionable. During the summer months Watersports are available if you want to run the risk of your willie falling off due to the water temperature. There is a famous golf course, famous only if you've been to Elie and er that's it.

Every time I embark on a visit to this place I am reminded of the lyrically brilliant Everyday Is Like Sunday by Morrissey.

"This is the coastal town
That they forgot to close down
Armageddon - come Armageddon!
Come, Armageddon! Come!"

Thank God I'm home.

This means nothing to me, oh Vienna!

2008-06-26T11:13:00.003+01:00

Went to Vienna last weekend with my wife, my brother and his wife. Joseph Fritzel jokes abounded and we stayed in the Hotel Sacher which was first class. We had one of the new rooms at the top of the hotel with views across the Vienna skyline. One thing I didn't expect was that the city is built on almost completely flat land, Amsterdam flat! We went for a traditional Austrian meal of boiled beef which sounds disgusting but was actually pretty tasty.

As you would expect architecturally the place is stunning and I was amazed to see so many old buildings dtill standing after the war and all that. We went to the Spanish Riding School to see the horses, not being a big horse fella I thought it may be pretty boring but soemthing that one should see. It was actually pretty impressive and the horses were made to do soem amazing things. I was asked if I thought it was cruel, the honest answer is I have no idea but I would imagine the use of a whip at the earliest stages of their lives may be apparent.

In my ignorance I didn't realise that the hotel we were staying in was famous for a particular type of cake, the Sacher Torte. 360,000 of these beauties are made each year and exported around the world. What's it like? Rich and in need of a bit of cream to go with it.

Remember the geeks?

2008-06-18T15:06:00.004+01:00

Do you remember the really musical people at your school? Not the cool rock star types, but the wee geeky ones who played the cello or violin and excelled at it. Did you find that you had absolutely nothing in common with them? Do you ever wonder what they are doing now? I didn't, until last night I watched a documentary about the Berlin Philarmonic and it was heartbreaking.

The basic requirement in becoming a classical musician seems to be complete loneliness throughout your school years and a basic inability to recognise your self worth. They interviewed many members of the Orchestra, highly succesful people in their field, and they all spent their lives at school waiting to fit in. It was appalling, some even now need the constant recognition of their peers in the Orchestra to feel any worth at all, very tragic. How can people as talented as them feel so badly about themselves - it's beyond me!

Facebook

2008-06-12T15:45:00.002+01:00

My wife has turned me on to Facebook, the strangely addictive site that is free to join and quite frankly I have no idea how it makes any money. I am in competition with my wife as to see how many friends we can muster and I have the mighty total of five at the moment. It is bizarre that you become so nosy about other people's lives and feel great every time you get a new friend.

Trips away, cousin's wedding, the credit crunch

2008-06-11T15:22:00.004+01:00

This week my eldest son (aged 11) has gone off with the school on an outward bound holiday in Perthshire. He left on Monday morning and will not be back until Friday afternoon. We are not allowed to phone him and he is not allowed to phone us and we will only be contacted in case there is an emergency. I can't stand it! I have missed people in the past but at least they were at the end of the phone. God it really is strange not knowing what he is doing and if he is ok. Even at boarding school we could phone home and people could phone us, it is very strange.

At the weekend I went to my cousin's wedding in Ayrshire. It made me think that, without realising it previously, how close I am to my cousin's, Jane and Kerry. I think because we were ages with each other when their Mum died that it created a real bond between us. Even though we don't see each other much there is something that ties the three of us together.

The credit crunch - we're all doomed, that's all!

Buying a Car, new baby

2008-06-04T10:36:00.006+01:00

I am in the process of trying to buy a new car. I have to say it is an experience I just detest and I detest all the people trying to sell cars as well. There is just in my opinion no honesty or integrity at all within the motor trade. They all act as if they are doing you a favour and incredibly do not bother contacting you when you ask them to. So far I have vsited Jaguar, Landrover and Mercedes and find them all completely obnoxious. I would quite happily pay someone to do this for me as I find it so annoying.

We have had vistors in the shape of my cousin from Calgary, his wife and their beautiful new baby boy. I had forgotten how easy it is to sit at a table and just watch a wee baby, "babyvision" as my cousin's wife says.

Football, Football and er Football, anti-social Britain, sibling rivalry

2008-05-20T14:02:00.008+01:00

I have not posted for ages. Quite frankly my head had become completely obsessed with the UEFA Cup Final. I genuinely couldn't sleep properly and the first proper nights sleep I got was when I had a few too many beers the Tuesday before the match. The whole experience was absolutely magical, I have never seen so many Rangers supporters in one place. The papers estimated that between 175,000 and 200,000 made their way to Manchester. It was an awesome sight to see and it is only a shame that the team didn't turn up on the night. I think two factors affected their performance, exhaustion and the occasion got to them, it certainly got to me. I went from complete exhiliration to utter despair, pathetic I know and was really down for a couple of days!Still my family soon knocked me out of it but it does mean an awful lot to me, I am of the firm belief that it really helped as a form of escapism when my Mum and Dad divorced, who knows a psychiatrists dream!

Whilst at the match I noticed a phenomenon that surely must be done only in Britain! Maw, Paw and the Weans (children for our Anglo friends) standing in the queue outside a Tesco Extra. Paw goes in and comes out with 24 bottles of Miller for him, 16 Vodka Ice for her and six fruit shoots for wee "Chanel". They then proceed to drink the whole lot. This was not an isolated incident, but hundreds perhaps thousands of them! This behaviour should not be tolerated and the Supermarkets must be held more accountable as to what and how much they sell booze wise.

My three kids on the whole get on famously. However, the middle girl knows how to wind up the eldest boy (until tears sometimes). Now the smallest boy has learnt to wind up his big sister. It is very funny to watch him in action and she is getting the sort of pay back she deserves.

Firenze

2008-05-07T13:54:00.009+01:00

We had a brilliant trip to Florence which is quite simply stunning. It helped that the weather was good enough for us to position ourselves in a cafe outside the Savoy and watch the world go by.

The architecture is also unbelievable and you see fantastic things throughout the city. Religious icons adorning buildings to detailing that you just wouldn't see elsewhere.

The Duomo is breathtaking but I really enjoyed the architecture from just walking around and coming across statues and churches everywhere.

The only disappointment was the Panerai shop. I don't know what I expected but I thought they would have had a small museum showing the history of the company, anyway I saved myself a fortune as I did not fall in love instantly with one.

I don't really need to say anything about the match that can't be said by the video clip below.

Or our adoration of the team as illustrated by this picture.

Needless to say I am just a little bit excited about going to the Final.

Florence, pots and pieces

2008-04-29T14:35:00.003+01:00

Off to Florence tomorrow for the second leg of the UEFA Cup Semi-Final. Going with my brother on the team plane, should be very exciting and a cracking trip. I have been to Firenze before with my wife and my daughter for our friend's wedding. My wife hit the shops and I didn't get to the inside of the Ufizi or the Duomo as my "princess" wanted to go on a horse and cart. The guy literally saw us coming, I think I ended up paying £50 for a 20 minute ride round the city. It is beautiful and I will endeavour to get some arty shots if I can find my camera!

My darling wife has been asking me to put some new plants into the pots at our front door. So yesterday, I ventured to the garden centre. Plants bought and duly planted they are looking splendid but that old Scots expression "ne'er cast a clowt till may is oot" may come back to haunt us.

One company I admire greatly and make great "pieces" is Pret A Manger. Their sandwiches are the freshest bar none and are "reassuringly expensive". From nowhere to selling half his stock to McDonalds for millions, Julian Metcalfe is truly a remarkable retailer.

Lady Mucca, dog walking, computers for pensioners

2008-04-28T10:43:00.004+01:00

I watched a documentary last night about Heather Mills McCartney. She appears to be absolutely barking mad and how Old Peace Sign fell for that is beyond me. Her Father is a convicted fraudster and it looks like Mucca may be a chip off the old block but has just gotten away with it.

One of the things I enjoy is quite simply walking my wee dog Nora, she's actually not that wee as there is nothing worse than seeing a tall man mincing round a park with a wee dog. The pleasure she gets from it is very satisfying. We arrive at the park she starts to whine with excitement and off she goes, off the lead and in the wild. Rooting about, sniffing the grass, drinking water from the pond, chasing other dogs, canine heaven! She still worries though if I disappear from view, you can see her thinking "Christ where is he, he was here a minute ago....oh my God, oh my God......phew there he is!" Then home knackered, in her bed fast asleep legs twitching, dreaming off the park.

My mother has a new computer. For anyone with a parent over 60 I do not need to say anymore! I now spend half my time when visiting fixing her PC. Mainly because her grandchildren have mucked up the settings added MSN or other such nonsense! Computers and pensioners don't go - silver surfers my arse!

Playing for Rangers, Things to do with kids, Chas and Dave

2008-04-25T13:58:00.007+01:00

I went to watch the famous last night with brother.Hopalong as he is now known due to his recent cartilege operation. On my return my wife informed me that she thinks our youngest son thinks that I play football for a living. I am in now way going to dissuade this myth and as long as he believes I will keep on playing.

I was given a book this year "Things to do with your kids before they grow up". It is dip in dip out kind of book but it has made me realise that a trip to see Santa in Lapland is a must for 2008.

As said somewhere on this site Chas and Dave are vastly under rated by some of my generation. Here's a wee video of one of my fave CnD songs!

Man Flu, the biggest match of my life, great news from friends

2008-04-24T10:27:00.004+01:00

Man Flu I've decided there is such an illness as I've had it all week! Yes I took two days off work, yes I took to my bed, yes I was grumpy and unreasonable, I've had Man Flu what do you expect.

Tonight I will go to one of the biggest matches I have been to in my life. In my 41 year life span, I have never seen the team that I love in a European Semi-Final, tonight is the night.
I will stand shoulder to shoulder with my brother, my constant neighbour at Ibrox and watch my team from my birthplace take centre stage with the whole of the football community watching us. I will be so proud.

We received news this week that our friends from Hong Kong will be joining us for 10 days in Portugal this summer, I can't wait. I enjoyed their company so much over Christmas and had such a laugh it will be absolutely brilliant!

Cornwall and and only one oo aar in site!

2008-04-21T13:06:00.005+01:00

I have just returned from a weeks holiday with the family in Cornwall - it was superb. It is ideallic with beaches as good as any in Europe and some of the villages you visit are exquisite. We visited Padstow (or is that Steinstow), we counted six businesses owned by Rick Stein and ate his fine fish and chips on the dockside. But at the same time were advised not to feed the seagulls. We were most taken with St Ives and I could quite happily holiday there for ever.

I love the Englishness of it all and particularly liked the displays of fudge in shop windows though when tasted was often disappointing.
We only heard really one thick West Country accent and it really was endearing, the woman in question kept referring to her daughter as "my girl" and was very charming.

I suppose I also loved the familiarity of it all. After a hard days sightseeing pop into M and S on your way home for a bag of ham crisps and a caesars salad, its the simple things! I would reccomend a holiday in Cornwall to anyone and St Ives is an absolute must see.

The joy of football (and Lisbon)

2008-04-21T11:32:00.005+01:00

I returned from my trip to Lisbon a very happy man. I met my brother and nephew as planned and we had a very pleasant day wandering through the street of Lisbon. I last visted in 2004 in the summer and it looked beautiful. I have to say on an overcast day, the buildings are less than impressive and in need of a good bit of stone repair. The football surpassed itself, the joy when your team scores is pathetic! 41 years of age and still hugging drunk strangers when Rangers score - I bloody love it